Back to My Roots

          I’m a little late on my weekly blog posting here. I have been struggling quite a lot with processing my thoughts and putting them into comprehensible or coherent words or sentences. I have begun to feel as though whatever it is that I might say, will not ultimately matter. I think that I am coming to grips with reality as my trip comes to a near end. I must once again settle back into normal life. I have to return home, get a job, and carry on. My heart yearns for so much more. I wish not to be where I’ve always been, the same city with such memories that haunt me in every which way I turn. I long to get away and begin a new life, one which I create for myself. One where my past does not follow me. How I loathe running into exes, their families, or others I deeply do not wish to see. This is all too often a common occurrence. Some days living in the same house that my mom once did is painful. I can still see her being carried down the stairs by paramedics. I can still envision her nearly lifeless body laying on the couch, or in bed. For years after she died I had such an instinct to run into her room and snuggle up in bed with her. Still to this day when I am deeply upset, I revert back to a childlike state and think to myself over and over again ‘I just want my mom’. How I wish I could be a child again; to curl up next to her without a care in the world, to hold her hand and have her stroke my hair. I miss the comfort of her. For the first time since I was an infant, I saw the farm that my mom and Auntie Shelley grew up on. I met my Opa in Edmonton and he took me to see the house and the property. It was bitterly cold and snowing so I did not get to see the property the way that I had wanted to. Alas, it was still great to see. Touring the house was another thing. Stepping into what was my mother’s childhood bedroom, I could wholly and completely feel her presence. It hit me like a wave and I could not shake the feeling. I like to believe that in whatever comes after this life, she is able to watch over me. I wonder if she knows just how dearly I miss her. Or that I think of her daily. 

          I am lucky now to have the wonderful, strong, maternal figures in my life that I do. There are many women, and people for that matter, in my life that I am grateful for, but I feel compelled to mention those dearest to me. My stepmom Kris, her mother (my Grams), and Justin’s mom Lorri have all made such influential impressions on my heart and in my life. Kris, though her and I have struggled with our relationship in the past, I am glad to have her in my life now and am immensely grateful to her for all that she has brought into my life and everything she does that goes unseen (as children often don’t see all that their parents really do for them). She is such a strong, adventurous, driven, and independent woman and I know that I wouldn’t be who I am today without her. She encourages me to chase my dreams and is always there to be a stabilizing constant. I aspire to be like her in many ways. From the moment I met her, my Grams had an immediate and undying love for my brothers and I. I was immediately drawn to her motherly nature and her warm, open heart. She pours so much love into my life even when I feel that I am not deserving of such. She constantly reminds me that I am loved and will always be no matter what I do in life. From the first day, Lorri brought me under her wing as her own. She cares so deeply for her own children and I am extremely lucky to feel as though I belong to that. I think she saw this need in my life, a motherly connection, and took on that role for me. I see that same spirit of such generous, selfless, motherly affection in her that my mom had and I am so drawn to it. She has helped me through so much in the time that I have known her. Sometimes even just to listen, she is always there, and for this and many other reasons I am grateful for her. 

          At what point this blog became less about my adventures and more about my innermost thoughts, I am unsure. The more time I have on my hands to possess, the more I get in my head. I ache with fulfilled dreams and the desire to conjure up more. I have been struck lately with the themes of the novel Anna Karenina. One relating to that of love and one to the idea of desires or goals. This quotation on love I found profound, “I think, if there are as many minds as there are men, then there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts.” Relating this to what I previously said about mother figures, each person in my life has a different kind of love for me, and I them. And I value each one. What I miss however, is my mother’s love. I will never truly have that again, and that is a pain that aches dully in my heart. The other quotation relating to aspirations: “Vronsky meanwhile, despite the full realization of what he had desired for so long, was not fully happy. He soon felt that the realization of his desire had given him only a grain of the mountain of happiness he had expected. It showed him the eternal error people make in imagining that happiness is the realization of desires.... He soon felt arise in his soul a desire for desires, an anguish.” This state of having accomplished what I set out to, leaving one with a feeling of desire for desires, is where I am at and what I feel. Happiness does not come from obtaining goals, but rather the process of working towards something. What will come next is the next greatest adventure. 

          In terms of where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to since Thunder Bay, I’ve only merely hinted at so far. After Thunder Bay, I drove to Dryden where I found a nice campsite at Aaron Provincial Park. The area was nearly deserted as the camping season comes to an end. It was lovely to relax without worrying about others around me. After that I drove on to Winnipeg where I visited with Justin’s grandparents. It was lovely to see them again and have dinner with them. I feel so lucky to have been welcomed into his family. Just outside of Winnipeg I found a lovely camping cabin in Warren. Good thing too because the area was hit with a massive thunderstorm that night with an accumulative rainfall normally spanning over a month’s time. From there I drove to Saskatoon which was fairly uneventful. I stayed in a hotel room because at this point it was now only 5°C. I spent two days there, going to a local dog park and enjoying some down time with Charlie. Next was Edmonton where I mentioned I had met my Opa. For now, we’re in Prince George again, visiting with my Grams and Grandad. Soon, we’ll be home and this journey will be at its end. 

Aaron Provincial Park, ON

Aaron Provincial Park, ON

Warren, MB

Warren, MB

The Farm, Edmonton, AB

Ancient Forest Provincial Park, BC

Prince George, BC